#14 Breaking up with your best friend

On friendship, ambiguous losses and The Little Prince.

Jul 02, 2021

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world that is possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only in that encounter that a new world can emerge.” – Anaïs Nin

When I was little, my best friend was the coolest friend everyone could have. She was a few years older than me and truthfully, that was one of the reasons I actually liked her. She was clever, funny and most importantly, my grandma loved her. That’s the trick - we used to live in different cities but we would spend each summer holiday together at our grandparents who happened to be neighbours. I was all over the moon about her: talking every other day on the phone, bragging about her to my school mates, counting the days and weeks until holiday arrives so we could meet again. Distance had never got me worried about the depth of our friendship. She was my best friend after all. One summer though, she never came to visit her grandparents. I found out she had moved to France permanently with her parents.

In middle school, it felt like I had missed the train in terms of finding a new best friend. Everyone was already “matched” with someone else and I was left out. In high school, there was “the Alliance” - I know right?! - a group that I secretly aspired to be in but wasn’t a good fit for. I wasn’t wearing expensive Pandora bracelets, discussing Korean soap operas (?!) or going to Starbucks every day.

I’ve never had ‘proper’ friendships or ‘proper’ best friends. When I did, they were never long term.

I find it fascinating that we speak so openly about breakups with a romantic partner, yet when it comes to friendship breakups, we stay silent or we brush things off.

The loss of a friendship is one of life’s most devastating sorrows. It leaves us raw and aching in a way no other breakup can. Instead of the comfort and familiarity that we’ve been accustomed to, there is a giant hole, and no one to turn to. What’s worse is that, more often than not, we do not allow ourselves to grieve and acknowledge the loss.

Sometimes life happens and friendships dissolve without anyone being really at fault. Other times, one person might have outgrown the other.

I met my ‘ex-best friend’ when I was in university, and for three years, we were inseparable. When we parted ways last year, I felt the world came to an end. Even though the decision to break forever from what had become a toxic friendship was for the best, for a long time I felt incomplete without his company, nothing to cling to anymore. Most days my face was sticky with hot tears, my stomach knotted in grief. I wasn’t eating. I was constantly blaming myself for not being strong enough to overlook the pain he’d brought me and continue our friendship.

Dr Pauline Boss calls this “ambiguous loss” - a loss that is different from death losses because often there’s a lack of finality (the loss is ongoing), there are questions over whether the person or relationship will be restored, and the person may feel stuck between a sense of hope and hopelessness.

**
I wrote in issue #12 that whenever I’m in doubt or I need an answer, I turn to books. This time is no exception. In “The Little Prince” by Antoine de Saint- Exupéry, friendship is a recurring topic. We learn about the meaning of friendship from early on when the prince meets the fox and comes to understand that building a friendship requires love, patience, effort and gratitude. “To tame,” the fox explains, means “to establish ties.” The fox tells the prince that he is a normal fox like a thousand other foxes, but “if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.”

Friendship carries responsibility, too. That’s why it is not enough for the little prince to have tamed his rose.

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.” - Chapter XXI

Friendship can be an act of faith: the prince walks through the desert with the narrator in search of a well, even though this may seem unlikely. It is about having a friend to share the journey with, regardless of the outcome.

“It is good to have had a friend, even if one is about to die.” - Chapter XXIV

Friendships add meaning to one’s life, and once you lose that friendship, finding a new meaning can be difficult. People often struggle to adapt to changes, and the work towards reconstructing their identity can be overwhelming.

The road to recovery is different for each and every one of us, but one thing should be the same: let yourself cry. Something has died and it is, indeed, very, very painful.

**
Have you had a friendship breakup? How did you deal with it? And, are you over it now? Write to me - reply to this email or leave a comment. I’m here if you want to share your story.

🥁 📚 The latest in the literary world

Fewer than 1% of GCSE students in England study a book by a writer of colour, and only 7% study a book by a woman, according to Penguin Random House and The Runnymede Trust. This despite 34.4% of school age children identifying as Black, Asian and minority ethic. Penguin’s “Lit in Colour” project will donate 60,000 books to schools across the country to improve students’ access to texts by writers of colour. 👏 Also, there couldn’t have been a better ambassador for this campaign other than the incredible Booker Prize-winner Bernardine Evaristo! 👏
Ali Smith, the Scottish writer and journalist best known for her “Seasonal Quartet” series, has won the inaugural Pleasure of Reading Prize, in recognition of her body of work. Administered by the charity Give a Book, the £10,000 prize is sponsored by Bloomsbury Publishing and supported by the Blavatnik Family Foundation. Smith receives £5,000 and will donate the remaining £5,000 to a Give a Book charitable project of her choice. 🏆 👏 🎉
Probably not a surprise, but Stephen King has written another book! It’s called “Billy Summers” and it’s about an assassin who only kills bad guys. 🤔 Here’s a killer excerpt to make it easier for you to pre-order the thriller. 👀 Billy Summers comes out on August 3rd in time to give the end of your summer a kick! 😉 ☀️
This is not a news story, rather an interview with “The Midnight Library” sensation, Matt Haig. The news (to me at least?!) is that Haig received £600,000 for this exact novel, which - by the way - in April clocked up its millionth sale. 🤯 I wouldn’t have been as shocked if “Mr Depression” had written something… uhm…well… outstanding. 🤷‍♀️ “Life is hard; make it easier on yourself by not reading Matt Haig. Oh, and breathe,” argues Sarah Ditum for the Spectator. That’s it. I rest my case here. 🤐

🎧 📰 👀 My media diet this week

From the Economist, an eye-opening piece on “culture-war terms” that can compress complex ideas in an unhelpful way. Why read it? For context, this comes after last week a report by a Commons committee has found the use of terminology such as “white privilege” may have contributed to “neglect” of white working-class pupils. The article argues that the idea of “privilege” is divisive because it’s changed its meaning over time, and these words have become “signposts” as opposed to arguments, only making sense in the context of more elaborate reasoning. 💡
This edited extract from “Too Migrant, Too Muslim, Too Loud” by Mehreen Faruqi, an Australian Senator who gave up her birthright to run for office. Why read it? It’s given me the same vibes as applying for the EU settlement scheme - that I am not wanted, that I don’t belong, that despite London being my home, I have to prove my right to stay here. Also, this quote: “I am made in Pakistan. I am proud of my roots. I’m even prouder of my heritage. Now Australia is my home. Yes, Australia did give me the opportunity to be changed and now to fight for change. That’s great, but don’t expect me to be eternally grateful and stay in the corner you’ve created for migrants, where you pat us on the head if we fit your notion of what an Australian is – but vilify us, silence us and try to hound us out of our homes if we don’t.” 💪 The book is out tomorrow, July 2nd, and this will definitely be part of my TBR pile! 🙌
How much do you know about processed foods’ environmental impact? 🍲 🥫Not much. Just that it’s pretty bad, right? Yes, but it depends! This article from BBC Future dismantles the myths about processed foods and their sustainability. Why read it? You’ll learn about why wasting fruit or vegetables is less harmful than wasting meat; how overeating ultra-processed foods can cause more greenhouse gas emissions and plastic pollution, and why a factory may sometimes be greener than a farm. 🤔 ♻️
This article from Vox on how TikTok is promoting mediocrity through its “biggest stars.” Why read it? Maybe being mediocre ain’t that bad after all. It stops us to give in to the system that wants us to be the best, the smartest, and the most successful. It may also be a form of aspiration, as odd as it may sound. New life goals? You’re welcome. 😏 🤭

📌 Random news in brief

The future of plastic recycling might involve… vanilla. 😋 👀
All UK hairdressers will have to cut and style Afro hair as part of their standard training. ✂️ Currently, there is no requirement for students studying hairdressing to be educated on cutting and styling Afro and textured hair. Progress? ✅
Kellog’s is creating new cereal boxes that are more accessible to blind and partially sighted people. 🥣 👏

Before we say goodbye… 🥺

If you liked this issue of the newsletter, please click on the 💜 button, so I know I’m doing a good job. There’s always the option to leave a comment with your feedback. I promise I’ll always reply!

The Culture Worm

Discussion about this post