#11 Cultivating one's own garden

On the fear of commitment, what ifs and the best of all possible worlds.

Jun 11, 2021

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

I must’ve come across this overused quote years ago on Pinterest and for some reason, it stuck with me. Maybe because, in time, this quote has projected one of my biggest fears - the fear of regret, the fear of ‘what ifs’.

I find myself (over)thinking about how my life would have looked like if I hadn’t left Romania, if I hadn’t studied in London, if I had refused the opportunity of a semester in the US or if I had been accepted to my dream job, working side by side with my favourite journalist. What would I have achieved by now? Would I be happier? Would I still be in a relationship with my first boyfriend? Would I have to go through all the ‘ugly bits’ of adulting, worrying about rent, food and (mental) health? Would I be fatter?!!

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.” - Seneca

We tend to exacerbate our fears by adding emotion, imagination and anticipation when we don’t know the answers. We choose self-torturing ‘what ifs’ over confrontation because we can’t get past our thoughts. We are desperately seeking evidence to prove the theory in our heads.

Compared to even a few months ago, I am in a happier place. Sometimes my brain can’t quite work out this concept that someone can actually love me in spite of my numerous flaws. Sometimes my brain manages to convince me that I am a bad person and I don’t deserve love because I don’t value it. I gave myself an imaginary pat on the back the other day for saying no to a ‘date’ because … oh well - you’re in a relationship, Teodora! - yet I easily dismissed the fact that I wouldn’t have got that invitation had I not been flirty around that person.

I hate how mainstream it has become to label someone for having “commitment issues” when in reality, there is a fear of commitment that can degenerate from or be related to attachment insecurities, self-esteem, personality disorders or family history.

It’s not about having the best of both worlds; it’s about realising that nothing in life is permanent and of course, we have no control over our future. We are not fools to believe in utter happiness without a prior broken heart; to delude ourselves with redemption when we are beyond it. And yet, we remain hopeful, despite burdens, struggles and despair, that life is worth living, that there is good in the world.

What ifs are also influenced by public perception. What ifs won’t disappear just by clicking our fingers. Self-acceptance is idealistic if it’s not worked upon. What if we assumed the best rather than be worried about the worst?

This has reminded me of Voltaire’s novella “Candide” and his take against Leibniz’s philosophy who promoted the idea that the existing world is the best world that God could have created and a different world with less evil is almost unimaginable. Due to a number of events, Candide and his companions are set to go on a journey around the world (Brazil, Portugal, Italy, Turkey, El Dorado etc) facing horrific stories of slavery, cannibalism, theft, rape and torture. This will test Candide’s resilience, as well as his conviction that, indeed, the world we live in is the best we could possibly have:

“There is a concatenation of events in this best of all possible worlds: for if you had not been kicked out of a magnificent castle for love of Miss Cunegonde: if you had not been put into the Inquisition: if you had not walked over America: if you had not stabbed the Baron: if you had not lost all your sheep from the fine country of El Dorado: you would not be here eating preserved citrons and pistachio-nuts.”
“That is very well put,” said Candide, “but we must cultivate our garden.”

The moral of the story is accepting the world as it is, and not as we want it to be. Giving up on trying to ‘cultivate’ the whole humanity and concerning with what is outside of our control will lead to inner peace and freedom. Cultivating our garden, our mind, means also finding a balance, grounding ourselves.

We need to start planting the right seeds - confidence, kindness, gratitude, self-love - and water them, so we can watch how the garden in our mind will bloom. And then we have to pay attention to our thoughts and pluck the weeds out regularly. Because we won’t be able to get rid of all our fears and what ifs, but at least we can minimise them and tame our mind to embrace a more serene garden with bright flowers, citrus trees and lush green grass.

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The Culture Worm has become some sort of refuge and reflection journal over the past eleven issues. This means I have come to expose my personal learnings in a more direct, unfiltered way (than perhaps I should have) in the hope that it will help some of you to process your own emotions and struggles. Today has been one of these occasions when I chose to let myself be even more vulnerable than before.

If today’s essay has inspired you in any way, you can leave a comment or reply to this email. I’m curious to know your views on this topic.

🥁 📚 The latest in the literary world

Well, well, well…. if this ain’t yet another celebrity writing a memoir! 👀 🙄 Or *three* celebrities in this case! The Jonas Brothers will have their memoir, “Blood”, published on November 9 this year, after the release was initially pushed back from the end of 2019. Apparently, the JoBros (yikes!) told fans they wanted it to be “perfect”… The publisher now describes it as “funny, irreverent, and eye-opening.” If you were looking for some high-quality prose, look no further! 🙈 Joe has been kind enough to share a little excerpt of the book via Instagram!
The final instalment in the blockbuster Fifty Shades series, E L James’ “Freed: Fifty Shades as told by Christian,” has been out for little over a week and already replaced Richard Osman's “The Thursday Murder Club” three-week run from the top spot in the UK. In the US, it features as the #1 New York Times bestseller. 💣 🔥
Gordon Brown, UK’s former prime minister and now UN Envoy for Global Education, thought of the seven major global problems we must address in his latest book, “Seven Ways to Change the World: How to Fix the Most Pressing Problems We Face .” The Guardian’s review sounds promising, although it raises the question of whether this book was intended as more than elite airport literature. 😶
Has cancel culture gone too far? 🤔 Hodder has removed a passage from American author Elin Hilderbrand’s novel “Golden Girl” after criticism over its reference to Anne Frank. The problematic passage in the book reads: “You’re suggesting I hide here all summer?”Vivi asks. “Like…like Anne Frank?” 🤷‍♀️ 🤷‍♀️ 🤷‍♀️
The author Jeanette Winterson, best known for her semi-autobiographical novel “Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit,” burnt her own books because she didn’t like their “cosy little domestic blurbs”. 🔥 Wasteful? Disgraceful? An absolute sacrilege? Oh, hold on, Winterson followed up with a tweet and reassured us she’s got solar panels and cycling to the co-op, so no issues on the environmental front. ☀️ 🚴‍♀️ 🌍 Just for the record, the Independent’s called the book-burning stunt “a masterclass in staying relevant and edgy.” 🤨

🎧 📰 👀 My media diet this week

What is kink? According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, kink is “unconventional sexual taste or behaviour,” but “Kink,” the anthology of short fiction edited by R. O. Kwon and Garth Greenwell refers to the term as a way to “[c]lose some of the distances between our solitudes.” Daniel Felsenthal’s partly book review, partly personal story reveals his journey in embracing the kink from its lingo to safety and social responsibility. Why read it? You’ll read a brief history of erotica literature, learn about “erotica gentrification” and how “Kink” aims at denouncing “low-class” culture. 💡
#AnthemsPride is a collection of 30 original manifestos, speeches, stories, poems and rallying cries written and voiced by exceptional LGBTQI+ contributors and allies from Broccoli Productions. 🥦 🏳️‍🌈 Why listen? Here’s a quote that stuck with me from Michael Chakraverty: “For many, silence is a threat. It mutes stories, experiences and lives. Oppression thrives in the quiet but it flourishes in distraction. The noise of our world drowns out those who are brave enough to break down boundaries and speak out against injustice. […] Quietness is a privilege. One that isn’t embraced as much as it could be. We should remember that our voices are equally powerful when we choose not to use them.” 🗣️
Dog lovers, this one’s for you! 📣 🐕 This new podcast called “Pupdates” is exactly what you need if you’re (about to be) a puppy owner! Why listen? First of all, because it comes in bitesize episodes (on average about ten minutes) - this is quite rare in the world of podcasting where people forget their mics on for too long! 🎙️And also because you get to learn about all puppy-related aspects such as teething and toilet training from Dog Training Guru, Steve Mann, who’s taken care of Lorraine Kelly, Graham Norton and Emilia Clarke’s pups too! I’ve binge-listened to all ten episodes because how could I have not?! 🐶 🐾

📌 Random news in brief

Australian whales are breeding like rabbits, so technically it’s time to remove humpbacks from the list of threatened species? Not so fast, scientists warn. There’s this little thing called climate change. 🐋 👀 🌍
I’ve never been a ‘fashionista’ - and probably never will be - but I tend to think that I’m not missing anything by not wearing the new high-heeled Crocs from Balenciaga’s spring 2022 collection. Yes, you’ve read that right: Crocs stilettos. According to CNN, they may sell for as much as $1,000. 👠 💰

Before we say goodbye… 🥺

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