#15 The hurdle of perfectionism

On egotism, losing motivation, uncertainty and giving up... a little bit.

Jul 16, 2021

I skipped last Friday. I didn’t send the newsletter.

I tried to, but my fingers refused to type the words, and actually, there were no words left.

Last week, I lost my motivation, I forgot about commitments or purpose, and I simply chose not to care. It worked until the next day when I felt a huge amount of shame, guilt and disappointment. Is this ‘back to square one’ kind of moment?

It might as well be. After a 14-week streak, I failed.

I strive to be a perfectionist in what I do – this is how I was taught – but the frustration when I don’t get something right cancels all the previous successes. I am constantly grading my results, counting my failures and beating myself up for sometimes letting things go too easily. This is partly why I started this weekly newsletter: to remind myself that, in most cases, done is better than perfect.

We, perfectionists, have this absolutely obsessive and debilitating closed system that makes us get stuck in details and seek improvement, losing sight of the whole picture. I read somewhere that what appears to be humility, due to this desire to fix things and make them the best they can possibly be, is actually pride. Egotism.

Perfectionists don’t want to write the perfect blog, paint the perfect painting, or perform the perfect audition out of humility. They want to be seen; they need validation and approval.

We are scared of our own shadow and we don’t realise that perfectionism can be a refusal to allow ourselves to move ahead.

What I’ve experienced recently is a lack of direction which led to my (temporary, I hope) lack of motivation. Taking leap after leap, doubting and not knowing enough about the outcome or destination. Again, that’s a trait of a perfectionist, wanting to measure success, as opposed to progress. But do you know for sure it is progress?!

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart...live in the question.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

There is a kind of privilege in knowing what you want to do and where you want to be in life. Some people discover it early, others later – neither is wrong; everybody has their own body clock. I tend to think that I am one of the privileged ones because I know exactly what I want to do and where I want to be. I am just momentarily stuck.

Living with uncertainty is miserable, and you don’t have to consider yourself a perfectionist to agree. I hate the wait, I hate not knowing if I’m right or wrong, or how I can be better. What I’m trying to come to terms with is that there is a possibility for the universe to support my dream as long as I don’t give up.

And yes, this ‘never give up’ mantra can become exhausting and unbearable. It’s annoying how all these entrepreneurs, leaders and thinkers often omit to tell us that losing motivation is part of the process. I sometimes need to fail, complain, find excuses, and re-evaluate my goals in order to come back again stronger and more motivated. I indulge myself to occasionally give up a little bit because, after all, if I keep showing up, and if I keep doing the work, the universe will do its magic and reward me. In which case, it doesn’t really matter that last week I couldn’t deliver a new issue of The Culture Worm.

This looks like a superficial and unsatisfactory conclusion. Yes, maybe – but how can one be certain of anything, anyway?

I’d like to know how you manage the loss of motivation, balance perfectionism, and accept uncertainty – reply to this email or leave a comment. As always, learning is a two-way street.

🥁 📚 The latest in the literary world

Obama’s childhood memoir, “Dreams From My Father,” will be adapted for a YA audience and will be released this autumn by Canongate. In the meantime, if you’ve run out of books to read (is it even possible?!), the former US president took care of that too, publishing his summer reading list. 📖 It includes this year’s International Booker winner – At Night All Blood is Black – by the French-Senegalese author, David Diop. 🩸
What if you were to live in a world in which you would be routinely patronised by women? What if you were to live in a world where your views would be ignored or your expertise frequently challenged by them? There is now a book about it! “The Authority Gap: Why Women Are Still Taken Less Seriously Than Men, and What We Can Do About It” draws together a remarkable amount of research from academic studies and polling data to analyse and deconstruct this pervasive underestimation of women’s competence. The book includes interviews with pioneering women such as Mary Beard, Laura Bates, Amber Rudd and Cherie Blair. In the words of my dear Evaristo, “everyone needs to read The Authority Gap because, in order to change our culture, we need to fully recognise the problem.” 👯‍♀️
Dolly Alderton, Candice Carty-Williams, Lisa Taddeo, Alain de Botton and Esther Perel are among the writers and thinkers who shared their views on sex, parenting, friendship, loss and vulnerability to show the universality of love. The result is “Conversations on Love,” which is out now at your favourite bookstore! 💕

🎧 📰 👀 My media diet this week

Since this week everything’s been about football and racist English fans, this article by Raheem Sterling in the Players’ Tribune is really heart-warming and lovely. Why read it? Sterling says that “England is still a place where a naughty boy who comes from nothing can live his dream.” I think it is less about the place, and more about the person – a lesson in humility, perseverance, and aiming for the stars. Bonus, still from the Players’ Tribune, read Antonio Rüdiger’s testimony on racism in football and the abuse he’s received on social media: “Every once in a while, we have a big social media campaign, and everybody feels good about themselves, and then we go back to normal.” ⚽ ✊
Don’t ask me where I’m from, ask where I’m a local – this TED talk from 2015 couldn’t be more relatable today, nearly six years later. Why watch it? A writer and photographer of Nigerian 🇳🇬 and Ghanaian 🇬🇭 descent, born in London 🇬🇧 and raised in Boston 🇺🇸, who’s also lived in Rome 🇮🇹 and Berlin 🇩🇪, Taiye Selasi explores the relationship to our multiple identities. She argues that it is the experience that defines where one is from. We should ask ourselves what we are really seeking when we ask where someone comes from, and what we are really seeing when we hear an answer. Selasi explains that the difference between “where are you from?” and “where are you a local?” isn’t the specificity of the answer but the intention of the question. 💡 🌍
Back in issue #3, I got excited about Sally Rooney’s upcoming novel “Beautiful World, Where Are You” – now, I am sharing with you an excerpt from her book published in the New Yorker. Why read it? You’re going to be introduced to the world of the 29-year-old protagonist, Eileen, who works for a literary magazine in Dublin and has an ambiguous relationship with her childhood friend, Simon. Much of this 9,000-word extract is lived through the virtual: text messages and social media. Be prepared for some Sally Rooney-style characters. For the hardcore fans, there is also an accompanying interview with Rooney in the New Yorker.
Every time I walk around Piccadilly Circus, there is always a queue at Shake Shack. I’ve never had the curiosity to go there since I gave up eating from fast-food chains a few years ago, but after listening to this episode from The Knowledge Project podcast with Shane Parrish, I’ll give in to a vegan burger and a portion of fries! 🍔 🍟 Parrish talks to Danny Meyer, CEO of Union Square Hospitality Group and founder of Shake Shack, about hospitality and humanity. Why listen to this? This one-hour long conversation is a masterclass on organisational culture; it answers questions on how to scale feelings and why culture is not something that needs to be contained or maintained, but allowed to change. Meyer discusses hiring great people based on six emotional skills, including intellectual curiosity, work ethic and optimistic kindness, as well as why the way you make people feel can differentiate teams and organisations in terms of overall success. 🤔

📌 Random news in brief

Dubai breaks the world record for deepest swimming pool. 🌊 It holds 14 million litres of water, which is is the equivalent of six Olympic-sized swimming pools. 🏊
The future is cell-based meat. France is already growing foie gras in a lab, and Singapore is, so far, the only country to have a cell-based meat product on the market. 🦆 🥩
To ruminate over the weekend: this man claiming in a TikTok that his COVID-19 vaccine electrified his arm. ⚡
BONUS: July 17 is World Emoji Day – hooray! 🎉 🥳 Without emojis, this newsletter wouldn’t be the same, so to honour them, here’s The Emoji Anthem! 🎶 Now, go, have a dance and sing along! 💃 🕺 #sorrynotsorry if this is going to be on repeat! 👀

Before we say goodbye… 🥺

If you liked this issue of the newsletter, please click on the 💜 button, so I know I’m doing a good job. There’s always the option to leave a comment with your feedback. I promise I’ll always reply!

The Culture Worm