#16 Letter from a reader

On the power of listening, regrets, and writing as a healing tool.

Jul 23, 2021

If there is one thing that really motivates me to find the time and energy to send this newsletter every Friday morning, then that is you – the reader.

I am very grateful to have a small – yet growing! – community that has allowed me to intrude into their complicated lives and that, more than I would have ever hoped, has welcomed me with open arms.

This is both a blessing and a curse, as I was writing last week about the hurdles of perfectionism. But when I have doubts, I try to relive the night before sending out the first issue. The nerves to let my (then) first hundred people read my ramblings. Yes, it was scary. But the good kind of scary. 16 issues later, the anxiety hasn’t gone away. Sometimes it gets better, and other times it’s as scary as the first time, if not worse.

But I’ll say it every time is needed: happiness requires unlearning. And curiosity is what keeps our brains alive. Learning and sharing knowledge are ways to forget about your vulnerabilities and fears – or at least to know that you’re not alone.

Today I decided to share with you a text from a special person who wrote to me and told me that reading this newsletter has helped her reevaluate the relationship she has with writing. To say that this has made me emotional is an understatement. It’s a supreme feeling to know that, by exposing yourself, you can actually help others too.

S.M consented to have her text published. What you are going to read below has been translated from Romanian into English and has also been lightly edited for length and clarity:

I decided to hit the reply button because like you, and many other people who have gone through the Romanian education system, I am a perfectionist. I graduated from high school with the maximum score (10/10) and my Baccalaureate (A-level equivalent) exam average was 9.91/10.
Now, seven years later, after seeing my life slip from under my feet, and after learning to put it back together, I have only one regret about that glorious period of my life: I wish I had gotten a 2. And then another one. And then a 3, and then a 1. This, so my ego gets smaller and to understand that I am a human being, far from perfect, and that, above all, perfection is an immovable, fixed ideal, like a thin coat of dry clay that covers my skin.
Indeed, it protects me from external noise but, more often than not, and particularly since I reached adulthood, it acts as a heavy, tiresome burden that slows me down in today's super-fast, technological society. It impedes my adaptation to external environments, which, of course, comes with varying degrees of uncertainty - all unknown, all about to be discovered.
So I decided to remove this coating, clean myself of this clay, and expose my imperfect, authentic self. It is a tough process as the clay accumulated in 24 years is difficult to wash off.
The first person - and the most important one - who must accept you is yourself.
Befriend the uncertainty within you. Talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend, in need of a little support and empathy, and offer yourself the validation that perfectionism makes you seek from the outside world.
This transition to a richer inner world is made when you regularly allow yourself to take a break and check in with yourself, to see how you have been. It does provide stability, even if it is uncomfortable.
I ignored, for an incredibly long period of time, the signals my body gave me and, in the end, I was forced to take a break, against my will.
You have the opportunity to reverse the wheel and control this situation.

I think you can agree that her writing has voice… and it speaks volumes. Thank you, SM, for sharing with us this glimpse into your mind.

SM was the first one in what I hope from now on to become a regular occurrence in this new series, “Letters from Readers”. Now, it’s your turn.

With the risk of sounding (too) corny, I think this newsletter gets better every week because of you.

What’s your story? What are your fears? What are your accomplishments? What has made you happy recently? As always, I’m one click away. If you resonated with today’s issue (or any other issue!) then hit the reply button or leave a comment. Write to me and you might be featured in The Culture Worm! 🪱

🥁 📚 The latest in the literary world

It barely goes a week without a celebrity announcing his or her new book deal. And you must be living under a rock if you haven’t heard that Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, just got a deal with Penguin Random House to publish his memoir in “late 2022.” Rumour has it that he’s been granted $20 million as an advance payment, but hey, all proceeds will go to charity! 💸 In a statement, Prince Harry said “I’m writing this not as the prince I was born but as the man I have become. I've worn many hats over the years, both literally and figuratively, and my hope is that in telling my story—the highs and lows, the mistakes, the lessons learned—I can help show that no matter where we come from, we have more in common than we think.” Except, last time I checked I wasn’t born a princess. 💁‍♀️ 👸 Anyhow, I think I’m going to go and read some soft literature – shall I go for “The Bench” by lovely Meghan? Hm. 🤔
Okay, I’ll admit it. I have a thing for Barack Obama. 😬 🤫 I wrote about him last week recommending his summer reading list, and now I’m writing again announcing his “collection of candid, intimate, and entertaining conversations” between him and Bruce Springsteen, based on their shared podcast, Renegades: Born in the USA. The book is out on October 26, and here’s the book trailer. 👀
Douglas Stuart, the 2020 Booker Prize winner, has revealed that his second book, “Young Mungo,” is coming out in April 2022! 👏 Stuart says the novel’s been five years in the making, and it features “a powerful, queer love story set in 1980s Glasgow,” so it sounds promising! 👬 🏳️‍🌈 You can already pre-order SIGNED copies from Waterstones – you’re welcome! 😉
Elif Shafak is one of my favourite contemporary female novelists, activists and thinkers. Whatever she’s publishing, I’ll recommend it without blinking. And it’s not only me who thinks this. Take Nicola Sturgeon, First Minister of Scotland, for instance, who’s just endorsed Shafak’s latest novel, “The Island of Missing Trees.” 👏 Also, for those of you who “don’t have time” to do the reading, do follow Shafak on Insta – her posts are a combination of insightful, funny, and heartwarming. 💜 Bonus: read her interview for The Observer in which she explores love and politics in Cyprus and London, generational trauma, and heavy metal as writing therapy! “The Island of Missing Trees” is out on August 5. 🌳

🎧 📰 👀 My media diet this week

If there is still someone subscribed to this newsletter who hasn’t heard of Charlie Mackesy’s “The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse,” please stop whatever you’re doing and read 👏 the 👏 book 👏 This is more than a children’s book – it’s something in there for readers of all ages. Whilst you’re at it, you might have a listen to this episode on Joe Wicks’ podcast where Mackesy talks about how he came up with the idea for the book, the fantastic success behind it – 3.3 million copies sold worldwide, and life from a barn in Suffolk. In the words of Joe Wicks, “this is sunshine in a podcast,” and I couldn’t agree more. ☀️
Once the most googled woman in the world, a source of fascination and controversy at the same time, Britney Spears doesn’t need any more drama. Except for the status of her conservatorship battle that has brought the buzz back. “Pieces of Britney” is an eight-part BBC documentary, written and presented by Pandora Sykes, which tells the pop star’s story from the little girl in Louisiana up to the present day. Why listen to it? There is some extraordinary archive material, and the podcast touches upon multiple conversations around sexism, misogyny or the entertainment industry in the days before TikTok. Having said that, there are a few elements slightly odd as Sykes wants to use “imagination to explore vastly differing accounts of the woman behind the headlines” aka hiring voice actors to impersonate the pop icon and her family. Nonetheless, this is a brilliantly put together podcast series that made me rethink what Britney said in her 2008 documentary, “Britney: For The Record”: “They’re hearing what I’m saying, but they’re really not listening.” I’m listening. And who knows, maybe the world is – finally – listening too. 🎤 🎶 ✨
It’s been very difficult to hold myself from recommending this every week, but I thought I’d make an exception this time since it is the last episode in the series. The New York Times’ Modern Love podcast is one of my favourite podcasts of all time, and even before (I knew of) the podcast, I was religiously reading the Modern Love essays. 💌 Why listen to it? This episode is called “Loving Across Borders” and in the first part, we have the story of a woman who has to hide an essential part of herself in order to survive – she can’t tell anyone she’s undocumented. The second part is about how three couples have managed to stay together during pandemic separations. 😷 It struck a chord with me, and something tells me the same will happen to you too. 🥺 In case you prefer reading the essay, here’s the transcript for you.

📌 Random news in brief

Have you experienced burnout? Don’t fall into the other extreme – boreout – or chronic boredom. Bryan Lufkin from BBC Worklife explores the challenges, stigma and damaging effects around boreout in the workplace. 🥱
Iran launches dating app – Hamdam – in an attempt to boost birth rates. This is the first-ever licensed Iranian matchmaking app. 🇮🇷 💕
Irish have (finally?) introduced “person of colour” to their vocabulary. It appears Irish speakers have struggled so far to describe people who are not white, using words such as “duine gorm” (blue person) or “Fear Dubh” (which capitalised refers to the devil). 🇮🇪 👹

Before we say goodbye… 🥺

If you liked this issue of the newsletter, please click on the 💜 button, so I know I’m doing a good job. There’s always the option to leave a comment with your feedback. I promise I’ll always reply!

The Culture Worm